September 17, 2013: Hi, my name is Penelope PitStop and I will be writing a blog each week about my Friends and Frenemies on a show called the Fictitious Housewives of the Garden State (FHOGS). This is purely fictitious and any similarities to actual persons are purely coincidental.
So here goes:
So there’s this show and it’s sort of like the Truman Show where people pretend it’s real life but it’s all staged by the Producers. The people who work on the show promise you stuff but no one delivers. They film a whole bunch of hours, then they cut and paste all the words together to make it say what they want it to say even if it’s the opposite of what really happened. When you try to tell the truth and defend yourself, a mean nasty lawyer ties you up like this:
But I escaped from the Evil Lawyer Claw, so here’s my story of what happened on FHOGS.
I went to meet the Evil Whorgas (Yak Yak and her husband Dum Dum) at a Restaurant called Cheetos because I was told I had to go film for FHOGS – so I went. We filmed for over three hours. The Whorgas knew I was joining them. They were both very nice to me because they know exactly who I am, that I don’t take lip from anyone, I know my facts and no one pulls my strings.
We talked about tons of things:
- Stripper Gate
- The Celebrity Dapprentice
- Definition of Friends / Stalkers
- Zippy D
- Fathers and Hospital visits
- Whorga lies
Imagine my surprise when FHOGS aired and I was looking at the opposite of what actually happened! Imagine my frustration when the Evil Claw tried to tie me up in his basement so I could not tell you what actually happened. Here are the highlights of my meeting at Cheetos:
- The Whorgas asked me who invited me to Dum Dum’s sister’s party: I replied your sister did.
- Yak Yak declared that I never assisted in raising money for The Celebrity Dapprentice: I replied that’s a lie.
- The Whorgas told me that I was stalking FHOGS events: I replied that I have always been invited or mandated to attend.
- Yak Yak asked what my relationship was with Dum Dum’s sister: I replied exactly the way I had at the prior FHOGS events.
- Yak Yak made the mistake of asking me about Stripper Gate: I replied as long as Dum Dum doesn’t get crazy if I answer the question, of course you were a Dancer & there’s nothing wrong with it, I know it, you know it, your customers knew it and Dum Dum knows it.
- Dum Dum asked me how I knew Yak Yak: Before I could reply Yak Yak responded that it wasn’t important!
- Yak Yak said that Cafe Nero & Yak Yak’s Dance club were not owned/managed by my relatives: I replied you’re lying.
- Dum Dum asked if I was involved with getting Dum Dum’s sister the book signing at Cafe Nero: I replied that there were text messages confirming it.
- The Whorgas rejected that I had Dum Dum’s sister’s telephone numbers: I replied do you want me to show you and I showed them my phone, proof and said am I lying.
- Yak Yak asked me about rumors concerning Clyde and cheating scandals: I replied it wasn’t me and I’m not taking the bullet for everything.
- Dum Dum asked me about his sister’s relationship with Zippy D: I replied I have no idea.
- Dum Dum told me that someone told my husband that Yak Yak didn’t go see his father in the hospital: I replied go talk to my husband because I have no idea.
- The Whorgas wanted to know how Yak Yak’s lover’s name came up during a party: I replied ______ asked if I knew him [____ is not Dum Dum’s sister].
- Yak Yak asked whether Dum Dum’s sister was spreading rumors: I replied your sister in law told me to squash them <— you can hear me say this.
- When Yak Yak asked if Zippy D was involved in spreading rumors: I replied that’s why Dum Dum’s sister wanted me to confront Dum Dum about who was really spreading the rumors.
- The Whorgas repeatedly wanted me to say that Dum Dum’s sister was pulling my strings: I replied no one pulls my strings and I was asked to confront Dum Dum to confirm the fact that no one pulls my strings.
- Yak Yak threw some low blows claiming that Dum Dum’s sister made negative comments about my extended family: I replied that I would have to talk to Dum Dum’s sister about that because it looked to me like Yak Yak was baiting me.
If you watch FHOGS closely, you will see that at the most strategic times, voices are dubbed and you never see Dum Dum, Yak Yak or me actually saying the words that are heard. Clearly the editing was done by Snoozy of the Ant Hill Mob.