RHONJ: Gorga A Love Story Jersey Shore Style: Missy loves Tarzan

Please let me find a schmoo  I can manipulate!

This is a love story . . . a girl’s love for money and fame. . . no matter the personal cost to herself or those who get in her way.

It is not for the faint of heart. A Jersey Shore love story . . .

A long long time ago, before Snooki, before the Situation, and before Ronnie, there was a very ambitious teenager that lived at the Jersey Shore.

She was a scrappy little thing, far younger and far more devious than her two much older used up sisters.

Jersey Shore was called an ugly duckling so it was important to transform herself if she was to steal the future she felt she deserved.

Jersey Shore was all about having a good time. Shortly after her parents divorced, she went on a party spree that would have made Girl’s Gone Wild proud.

“Incorrigible” they said. “Certifiable” they said. Unable to tame her behavior, Jersey Shore’s mom packed up the little young thing and shipped her off to Florida. But things only got worse . . .

. . . Jersey Shore wasn’t interested in an education.  She was all about partying. Before long, she moved in with a friend and commenced a romantic relationship with her.  Together Jersey Shore and her roommate partied their days and nights away.  The party came to an abrupt end when Jersey Shore was arrested for shoplifting. After posting bond, she was immediately returned to New Jersey.

“What am I going to do with you,” said Mama D, “get your act together and find a man. Me and your gosh darn sisters were married and bleeding men dry by your age!”

“But Mama D, where oh where are all the eligible sugardaddies? Oh! Oh! I know! College! Do professors have money?” asked Jersey Shore.  The problem was one had to graduate from high school to attend college. So Jersey Shore promptly acquired her GED and enrolled at Jersey City College. She then moved to Bayonne with her girlfriend. Apartment #3C! What a crazy crazy place to be.

In order to fulfill her lifelong dream, she searched high and low for the perfect sugerdaddy. She attracted them, young and old, she didn’t discriminate, but sadly they never stayed beyond a good time.

Big Titties are required for teaching 2nd Grade

There was of course musty balls. He paid for Jersey Shore’s titties. Jersey Shore was eternally grateful because an aspiring teacher neeeds big titties.

There was Mr. Range Rover (commonly known as Tommy The Greek). Unfortunately, Range’s parents did not approve of Jersey Shore. After all, she was from the wrong side of the tracks, no formal education, and she looked like a stripper.  When Range’s father caught her crawling thru a window to get to Range’s room. Jersey Shore was promptly dismissed.

[photo as soon as cleared for posting]


Dave C


Then of course there was Dave C, the wealthy tall ‘drink of water’ beefy body builder type that Jersey Shore targeted. Unfortunately, Dave could not take a girl who “bartended for $100 tips” home to meet the family.

“My family will know you’re a gold digger, but we can be friends with benefits! I’ll pay your rent again” said Dave.




matt melissa matt blogThen of course there was Matt “Hollywood”, an aspiring actor and recording artist!  The total package!  But once Hollywood learned that old musty balls bought Jersey Shore’s titties, she was promptly dismissed.

Could it be that Jersey Shore’s singing desires stem from her need to show Hollywood that she was worth keeping? Does she think they will cross paths if she wiggles her way into the industry?

While on spring break with her latest victim conquest, Jersey Shore was approached by Stumpy.  Jersey Shore thought he was a local day laborer. Stumpy followed Jersey Shore around the resort like a lost puppy. She told him that she was a teacher by day and “$100 dollar a tip bartender” at  Lookers Gentlemen’s Club by night. Aside from being small, Stumpy was rather gullible. But, Jersey Shore also told Stumpy that she could not possibly date him; she had her sights set on tall beefy bodybuilders with oversized wallets. Stumpy couldn’t foot the bill – “literally.”

To Jersey Shore’s shock and dismay, Stumpy appeared at Looker’s several months later – big bills in hand! For weeks and weeks Stumpy came to Lookers and each time he came with his $100 tip, he would ask her out. Jersey Shore would graciously decline – how could Stumpy possibly give her the lifestyle that she aspired to have?

One evening, Jersey Shore and her friends crashed a party in Franklin Lakes.  At the party, Jersey Shore got her first glimpse at TARZAN.  She fell madly and hopelessly in love AT FIRST SIGHT! TARZAN was the biggest thing she had ever seen! “I must have TARZAN” she exclaimed.

Within days of seeing TARZAN, Jersey Shore formulated her plan.  When Stumpy next came to Lookers to give her his $100 tip (for a drink of course), Jersey Shore shed a tear and told him that her roommate threw her out of their apartment in Bayonne. She would soon be homeless!

“How can that be?” said Stumpy “a princess can’t be homeless! Stay with me till yous find a place.”

“Oh thank you, Angel From God!! It would be impossible to teach 2nd grade, bartend for big tips while finishing college if I have to live in a bedazzled box!” replied Jersey Shore.

Jersey Shore moved into Stumpy’s house. Within a week of moving in, Jersey Shore came home with tears in her eyes yet again, “I can’t teach those kids, they’re monsters. I can’t possibly teach, work at the tanning salon and bartend for $100 tips!”

Stumpy immediately told his princess to quit all her jobs! She was to work for him as a receptionist since he was a very HUGE & Impotent [sic] Real Estate Developer.

Thus starts the fairy tale life between Melissa Marco and Tarzan!

And Missy and Tarzan lived happily ever after . . .

. . . almost

. . . until Tarzan was sold for a bigger house

. . . and the electric company turned the lights off for nonpayment.

. . . and she realized she would have to keep Stumpy too.

You didn’t think Tarzan was Stumpy, did you!! I said BIG! Missy fell in love with big bold beautiful Tarzan, the house that mucho money built!

68 thoughts on “RHONJ: Gorga A Love Story Jersey Shore Style: Missy loves Tarzan

  1. I love the straight and logical presentation of this site — they always post details about what is glaringly obvious in a snarky manner.

    I can’t wait for this one!!

  2. Just to ensure you all know — the “Jersey shore love story” between these two pondscum is not typical of NJ shore residents, many of whose families go back for decades, and many of whom made livings at fishing/crabbing/lobstering off the shore itself. I’m from the Jersey Shore, the REAL Jersey Shore, and none of this reality TV crap (“Jersey Shore,”etc.) depicts the still-alive, blue-collar, hardworking style of living. Oh and interestingly, many of the real Jersey Shore folks (with histories there) are not Italian … they are Irish.

      • We finally see some pics of the guys she was running with. I really want to know who the Tommy the Greek guy is, he was the guy that she truly wanted big time and still want. And who is musty balls, I reallly need to know.

    • I’m from the Shore too, I grew up in Toms River. I miss it dearly as I now live in Texas, far away from the gorgeous Atlantic. I go home as often as I can. I have to admit, in my younger Shore days, I too was a bit of a wild child. Worked on the boardwalk every summer, hibernated in the winter, snuck off to NYC a lot, it was a lot of fun. However, I cannot relate to the pondscum because for me, family is everything.

    • That’s when Melissa got down on her knees as she was about to go out and perform ON DISPLAY, made the sign of the cross, looked up to Heaven and thanking Jesus! BLEEECKKK!!!!!!

  3. Damn, this sounds like a good ole ghetto book. I’m loving this. Could be a screenplay for a movie Gregg. Please continue. I cannot wait!!!!!

  4. GREG, this is a cliff hanger….LOL at Musty Balls……stickey fingers, climbing through windows Oh MY Clutching the pearls and the familhy jewels at the same damn time. Tell me more, tell me more. P.S. Make sure you send Joey Marco a copy….LOL

  5. Every time I see a picture of Melissa and then look at her sisters, I firmly believe that Melissa does not have the same father as the older 2 hags.

    • I totally agree. I’ve commented over and over that Melissa must have some black in her somewhere. I don’t think that she has the same mother as her sisters, no way. You look at both of them and her (besides her attempts at using makeup to lighten up her skin) and she still looks more Dominican. Have many of you wondered why we don’t see until the end of this season her “mother”. And when she talked about her parents she only commented about her father and such. Where are the pics of you and your mother doing things melissa.

      I don’t care what anybody says, there is something off on her family tree and from some of her comments and non-comments (when she doesn’t answer a question) I think she is hiding a major issue in regard to her and her father.

      • I read somewhere else that her natural mother was Dominican which would explain any black heritage that she may have. The sisters have the same father but different birth mothers. She does look like the Tia and Tamara twins. She even said that see was told all the time when she was little that she looked like the twins and that people would often ask her if she was black. She didn’t seem to have a problem with people asking her if she was black which leads me to believe that she is aware of her heritage.

      • Why WOULD someone have a problem with being asked if they had black heritage? Unless they were racist. Who cares if she has a different mother or father to her sisters. That is HER business and if it is true, it is certainly not her fault. None of us chose to be born into this world! I don’t give a shit if she is part black or Latino or anything else.

      • I just wanted to add,
        She could be puerto rican/Italian. I had a friend who was half pr and half Italian and people always thought she was half black. She looked a lot like Melissa, very curly jet black hair, naturally tan similar nose- you get the picture. Anyway I’ve been watching this ho since day one and I always got a vibe from her that she wasn’t full Italian. Nothing to hide, IMO, but she would be the type to deny any heritage other than Italian.
        Also would like to apologize to any puerto ricans or black people offended by possibly sharing a race with such a nitwit. This bitch needs to get real and stop posing

      • But why on earth is everyone so concerned what ‘race’ she is?! Who cares? If she was white you wouldn’t all be speculating on ‘is she part Norweigan? Is she part Scottish?’ Why is that important?

    • She is totally half black. She had her nose thinned but she’s still got the black nose. Look at pics of her when she was young before the skin lightening, hair straightening, and nose job…it’s very clear that she’s black. I think her mama was fooling around on her sister’s dad and that’s why they got divorced.

      • Is that why you don’t like her then? Cos you think she MIGHT be half black? Who cares? Looks like racism is still alive and well in the USA.

      • OMG SHUT UP. Stop crying about someone speculating about her race. People need to stop throwing around the term “racist” unless the situation truly warrants it.

  6. OMG That was awesome! What an idiot to piss off Teresa’s fans. Now we know the truth! We might have gone along thinking she was just a stripper! LOL…

  7. Take a bow, FR! I’ll wait here …

    EXCELLENT writing! I was riveted from the very first line through the very last. You have a strong, outstanding talent for research and writing — and you are also very sweet to your followers! I love your site and thank you.

  8. What a glorious, albeit sick way to start my day..lol. I love every word written. Keep it coming Faxreality. Seems you have a hit on your hands!!

  9. I usually never comet, usually love to enjoy reading but this was amazing @ I had to give you lots of props, you are good ,had me into the story visualizing @ stuff. Great job!! Actually it seems true seeing his face when joeju ask him where did you meet melissa? pricless!

      • Love your website Faux! I think it is awesome what you are doing in exposing the TRUTH! Most of us don’t know these people but we invest our time into watching their show and when it is called a reality show we would like it to be REALITY!

  10. If you change the locations this could be my SIL. The woman my brother brought home 25 years ago, the one he put on the 10ft pedestal and expected his family, and his parents to look up to and we didn’t he was offended and became angry with us. They haven’t been back and my mom passed 4 yrs ago never having met her 7 yr old (at the time) grandson. Right now I don’t know if my brother is dead or alive. Teresa family could very well experience the same thing which I have been conscious of because it actually happened in my family. The one thing I do understand is that you can only change yourself and to mind your own business. We never did anything but love and support each other, we have the best parents and the demonstrated nothing but love and affection for us. I always tell my loved ones I love them over and over again because it may be the last time I get to say it to them, I could die or they could die. I don’t start fights they a waste of time, I don’t get frustrated and attack, I find it better to remove myself from all negative situations. I know I have a temper but I don’t let any one see that side of me ever–it is called self-control.

    Loved your novella-too bad it is true though!!

    • I agree when people get married unless there is violence or abuse family members need to stay out of the marriage. What’s interesting is while the family won’t accept the unworthy spouse because they don’t feel that they are is good enough but sometimes those marriages outlast the so-called proper marriage arrangements.

  11. Oh. My. God. I am in awe of all the scandalous info you have mined! This is fast becoming my favorite blog for RHONJ gossip. If you don’t mind my asking, do you live in the area and/or have mutual friends in common with the housewives? It’s just so crazy how in one post you’ve managed to uncover so much detailed dirt from Missy’s past when all the other blogs have only been able to vaguely allude to these past indiscretions… not to mention you’ve also put faces to names! Anyway, whatever you are doing, KEEP DOING IT! My mind (and I’m sure everyone else’s) is totally blown!!

  12. So FREAKIN HYSTERICAL love love love love. Share info with BRAVO TV they dont get it also IN TOUCH mag. They think she is a little darling. SO FUNNY YOU HAD ME AT ROMANCE

  13. Excellent blog! I love this site and check it frequently. Please keep up the good work. These dirty deeds need to see the light of day.

  14. Ain’t nobody been messin around your marriage ( so quit blaming Teresa for that Me Ho) ” no one cares.” I would love, love, love to see someone chase after Me Ho with gossip and REAL TRUTH. Lets see how she stands up against opposition.
    If MeHo had white hair she would look like George Washington in a powdered wig.

  15. I’m in love with a…No not a stripper(no pun intended that was a T-Pain song) new website called Fauxreality! I will admit, I laughed until I became confused at Melissa seeing Big tarzan. From the blurs I saw, Tarzan was anything but big, but then you reeled me back and had me laughing hysterically when I saw the Real Tarzan!
    Also, I found you on StoopidHousewives,just so you know :-)

  16. I am just catching up to all your posts after being a long time SHs reader. I have to agree with most commenters about your excellent writing ability. You give me the comic relief I sometimes need to make it through my days! Your efforts are appreciated, Muchas Gracias!

  17. This is hilarious. You’re writing is amazing. Melissa is so disgusting I can’t even believe she has “fans.”

  18. It has to be said…..it does seem like she used Joe Gorga to get rich, and then she used his sister’s fame to get herself on TV and get a music career started. BUT she has paid a hefty price. Judging by what has been said in her book, her home life and what is expected of her as a wife, is not a situation any of us would want to be in. I suspect she is very unhappy deep down, despite her front on the show. It’s all bluff. Being a dancer and marrying a man who she knows can provide for her is not the worst thing in the world. Plus, she lost her dad when she was young so she was prob looking for an older father figure to protect her. Not like she’s killed anyone! Hell, if women didn’t marry rich men the only ‘Real Housewife’ would be Vicky Gunvalson! Whatever Melissa might have done when she was a daft young girl, no woman deserves to be treated like a virtual slave. I think ‘On Display’ was actually about the way her husband makes her feel. If you listen to the lyrics. She feels under constant pressure to please him etc.
    Imo, she’s a much nicer person than Tamra OC Barney! She’s just had a tough life. Maybe give her a break? Gretchen can’t sing for toffee either and she married Jeff for his dollars, but you don’t all hate her, right?

  19. Thats a great story.. only part you forgot is that Jersey Shore didnt fall madly in love with Tarzan until she saw Tarzan’s house.

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