This is a love story . . . a girl’s love for money and fame. . . no matter the personal cost to herself or those who get in her way.
It is not for the faint of heart. A Jersey Shore love story . . .
A long long time ago, before Snooki, before the Situation, and before Ronnie, there was a very ambitious teenager that lived at the Jersey Shore.
She was a scrappy little thing, far younger and far more devious than her two much older used up sisters.
Jersey Shore was called an ugly duckling so it was important to transform herself if she was to steal the future she felt she deserved.
Jersey Shore was all about having a good time. Shortly after her parents divorced, she went on a party spree that would have made Girl’s Gone Wild proud.
“Incorrigible” they said. “Certifiable” they said. Unable to tame her behavior, Jersey Shore’s mom packed up the little young thing and shipped her off to Florida. But things only got worse . . .
. . . Jersey Shore wasn’t interested in an education. She was all about partying. Before long, she moved in with a friend and commenced a romantic relationship with her. Together Jersey Shore and her roommate partied their days and nights away. The party came to an abrupt end when Jersey Shore was arrested for shoplifting. After posting bond, she was immediately returned to New Jersey.
“What am I going to do with you,” said Mama D, “get your act together and find a man. Me and your gosh darn sisters were married and bleeding men dry by your age!”
“But Mama D, where oh where are all the eligible sugardaddies? Oh! Oh! I know! College! Do professors have money?” asked Jersey Shore. The problem was one had to graduate from high school to attend college. So Jersey Shore promptly acquired her GED and enrolled at Jersey City College. She then moved to Bayonne with her girlfriend. Apartment #3C! What a crazy crazy place to be.
In order to fulfill her lifelong dream, she searched high and low for the perfect sugerdaddy. She attracted them, young and old, she didn’t discriminate, but sadly they never stayed beyond a good time.
There was of course musty balls. He paid for Jersey Shore’s titties. Jersey Shore was eternally grateful because an aspiring teacher neeeds big titties.
There was Mr. Range Rover (commonly known as Tommy The Greek). Unfortunately, Range’s parents did not approve of Jersey Shore. After all, she was from the wrong side of the tracks, no formal education, and she looked like a stripper. When Range’s father caught her crawling thru a window to get to Range’s room. Jersey Shore was promptly dismissed.
[photo as soon as cleared for posting]
Then of course there was Dave C, the wealthy tall ‘drink of water’ beefy body builder type that Jersey Shore targeted. Unfortunately, Dave could not take a girl who “bartended for $100 tips” home to meet the family.
“My family will know you’re a gold digger, but we can be friends with benefits! I’ll pay your rent again” said Dave.
Then of course there was Matt “Hollywood”, an aspiring actor and recording artist! The total package! But once Hollywood learned that old musty balls bought Jersey Shore’s titties, she was promptly dismissed.
Could it be that Jersey Shore’s singing desires stem from her need to show Hollywood that she was worth keeping? Does she think they will cross paths if she wiggles her way into the industry?
While on spring break with her latest victim conquest, Jersey Shore was approached by Stumpy. Jersey Shore thought he was a local day laborer. Stumpy followed Jersey Shore around the resort like a lost puppy. She told him that she was a teacher by day and “$100 dollar a tip bartender” at Lookers Gentlemen’s Club by night. Aside from being small, Stumpy was rather gullible. But, Jersey Shore also told Stumpy that she could not possibly date him; she had her sights set on tall beefy bodybuilders with oversized wallets. Stumpy couldn’t foot the bill – “literally.”
To Jersey Shore’s shock and dismay, Stumpy appeared at Looker’s several months later – big bills in hand! For weeks and weeks Stumpy came to Lookers and each time he came with his $100 tip, he would ask her out. Jersey Shore would graciously decline – how could Stumpy possibly give her the lifestyle that she aspired to have?
One evening, Jersey Shore and her friends crashed a party in Franklin Lakes. At the party, Jersey Shore got her first glimpse at TARZAN. She fell madly and hopelessly in love AT FIRST SIGHT! TARZAN was the biggest thing she had ever seen! “I must have TARZAN” she exclaimed.
Within days of seeing TARZAN, Jersey Shore formulated her plan. When Stumpy next came to Lookers to give her his $100 tip (for a drink of course), Jersey Shore shed a tear and told him that her roommate threw her out of their apartment in Bayonne. She would soon be homeless!
“How can that be?” said Stumpy “a princess can’t be homeless! Stay with me till yous find a place.”
“Oh thank you, Angel From God!! It would be impossible to teach 2nd grade, bartend for big tips while finishing college if I have to live in a bedazzled box!” replied Jersey Shore.
Jersey Shore moved into Stumpy’s house. Within a week of moving in, Jersey Shore came home with tears in her eyes yet again, “I can’t teach those kids, they’re monsters. I can’t possibly teach, work at the tanning salon and bartend for $100 tips!”
Stumpy immediately told his princess to quit all her jobs! She was to work for him as a receptionist since he was a very HUGE & Impotent [sic] Real Estate Developer.
Thus starts the fairy tale life between Melissa Marco and Tarzan!
And Missy and Tarzan lived happily ever after . . .
. . . almost
. . . until Tarzan was sold for a bigger house
. . . and the electric company turned the lights off for nonpayment.
. . . and she realized she would have to keep Stumpy too.
You didn’t think Tarzan was Stumpy, did you!! I said BIG! Missy fell in love with big bold beautiful Tarzan, the house that mucho money built!