Please let me find a schmoo I can manipulate!
This is a love story . . . a girl’s love for money and fame. . . no matter the personal cost to herself or those who get in her way.
It is not for the faint of heart. A Jersey Shore love story . . .
A long long time ago, before Snooki, before the Situation, and before Ronnie, there was a very ambitious teenager that lived at the Jersey Shore.
She was a scrappy little thing, far younger and far more devious than her two much older used up sisters.
Jersey Shore was called an ugly duckling so it was important to transform herself if she was to steal the future she felt she deserved.
Jersey Shore was all about having a good time. Shortly after her parents divorced, she went on a party spree that would have made Girl’s Gone Wild proud.
“Incorrigible” they said. “Certifiable” they said. Unable to tame her behavior, Jersey Shore’s mom packed up the little young thing and shipped her off to Florida. But things only got worse . . .
. . . Jersey Shore wasn’t interested in an education. She was all about partying. Before long, she moved in with a friend and commenced a romantic relationship with her. Together Jersey Shore and her roommate partied their days and nights away. The party came to an abrupt end when Jersey Shore was arrested for shoplifting. After posting bond, she was immediately returned to New Jersey.
“What am I going to do with you,” said Mama D, “get your act together and find a man. Me and your gosh darn sisters were married and bleeding men dry by your age!”
“But Mama D, where oh where are all the eligible sugardaddies? Oh! Oh! I know! College! Do professors have money?” asked Jersey Shore. The problem was one had to graduate from high school to attend college. So Jersey Shore promptly acquired her GED and enrolled at Jersey City College. She then moved to Bayonne with her girlfriend. Apartment #3C! What a crazy crazy place to be.
In order to fulfill her lifelong dream, she searched high and low for the perfect sugerdaddy. She attracted them, young and old, she didn’t discriminate, but sadly they never stayed beyond a good time.
Big Titties are required for teaching 2nd Grade
There was of course musty balls. He paid for Jersey Shore’s titties. Jersey Shore was eternally grateful because an aspiring teacher neeeds big titties.
There was Mr. Range Rover (commonly known as Tommy The Greek). Unfortunately, Range’s parents did not approve of Jersey Shore. After all, she was from the wrong side of the tracks, no formal education, and she looked like a stripper. When Range’s father caught her crawling thru a window to get to Range’s room. Jersey Shore was promptly dismissed.
[photo as soon as cleared for posting]
Dave C
Then of course there was Dave C, the wealthy tall ‘drink of water’ beefy body builder type that Jersey Shore targeted. Unfortunately, Dave could not take a girl who “bartended for $100 tips” home to meet the family.
“My family will know you’re a gold digger, but we can be friends with benefits! I’ll pay your rent again” said Dave.
Matt “Hollywood”
Then of course there was Matt “Hollywood”, an aspiring actor and recording artist! The total package! But once Hollywood learned that old musty balls bought Jersey Shore’s titties, she was promptly dismissed.
Could it be that Jersey Shore’s singing desires stem from her need to show Hollywood that she was worth keeping? Does she think they will cross paths if she wiggles her way into the industry?
While on spring break with her latest victim conquest, Jersey Shore was approached by Stumpy. Jersey Shore thought he was a local day laborer. Stumpy followed Jersey Shore around the resort like a lost puppy. She told him that she was a teacher by day and “$100 dollar a tip bartender” at Lookers Gentlemen’s Club by night. Aside from being small, Stumpy was rather gullible. But, Jersey Shore also told Stumpy that she could not possibly date him; she had her sights set on tall beefy bodybuilders with oversized wallets. Stumpy couldn’t foot the bill – “literally.”
To Jersey Shore’s shock and dismay, Stumpy appeared at Looker’s several months later – big bills in hand! For weeks and weeks Stumpy came to Lookers and each time he came with his $100 tip, he would ask her out. Jersey Shore would graciously decline – how could Stumpy possibly give her the lifestyle that she aspired to have?
One evening, Jersey Shore and her friends crashed a party in Franklin Lakes. At the party, Jersey Shore got her first glimpse at TARZAN. She fell madly and hopelessly in love AT FIRST SIGHT! TARZAN was the biggest thing she had ever seen! “I must have TARZAN” she exclaimed.
Within days of seeing TARZAN, Jersey Shore formulated her plan. When Stumpy next came to Lookers to give her his $100 tip (for a drink of course), Jersey Shore shed a tear and told him that her roommate threw her out of their apartment in Bayonne. She would soon be homeless!
“How can that be?” said Stumpy “a princess can’t be homeless! Stay with me till yous find a place.”
“Oh thank you, Angel From God!! It would be impossible to teach 2nd grade, bartend for big tips while finishing college if I have to live in a bedazzled box!” replied Jersey Shore.
Jersey Shore moved into Stumpy’s house. Within a week of moving in, Jersey Shore came home with tears in her eyes yet again, “I can’t teach those kids, they’re monsters. I can’t possibly teach, work at the tanning salon and bartend for $100 tips!”
Stumpy immediately told his princess to quit all her jobs! She was to work for him as a receptionist since he was a very HUGE & Impotent [sic] Real Estate Developer.
Thus starts the fairy tale life between Melissa Marco and Tarzan!
And Missy and Tarzan lived happily ever after . . .
. . . almost
. . . until Tarzan was sold for a bigger house
. . . and the electric company turned the lights off for nonpayment.
. . . and she realized she would have to keep Stumpy too.
You didn’t think Tarzan was Stumpy, did you!! I said BIG! Missy fell in love with big bold beautiful Tarzan, the house that mucho money built!
Thank you, can’t wait to see what you come up with.
I love the straight and logical presentation of this site — they always post details about what is glaringly obvious in a snarky manner.
I can’t wait for this one!!
Thank you Jesus! (sign of the cross)
Just to ensure you all know — the “Jersey shore love story” between these two pondscum is not typical of NJ shore residents, many of whose families go back for decades, and many of whom made livings at fishing/crabbing/lobstering off the shore itself. I’m from the Jersey Shore, the REAL Jersey Shore, and none of this reality TV crap (“Jersey Shore,”etc.) depicts the still-alive, blue-collar, hardworking style of living. Oh and interestingly, many of the real Jersey Shore folks (with histories there) are not Italian … they are Irish.
Not looking to disparage the good people of New Jersey, that’s why the story will make it very clear that this is more Snookie does Romance
We finally see some pics of the guys she was running with. I really want to know who the Tommy the Greek guy is, he was the guy that she truly wanted big time and still want. And who is musty balls, I reallly need to know.
Waiting for permission to identify both Tommy the Greek and musty balls.
Is musty balls Robert (Palermo, I believe?) the former owner of Penny Drossos’ salon?
I’m from the Shore too, I grew up in Toms River. I miss it dearly as I now live in Texas, far away from the gorgeous Atlantic. I go home as often as I can. I have to admit, in my younger Shore days, I too was a bit of a wild child. Worked on the boardwalk every summer, hibernated in the winter, snuck off to NYC a lot, it was a lot of fun. However, I cannot relate to the pondscum because for me, family is everything.
Seriously, that top picture looks like a drag queen.
That’s when Melissa got down on her knees as she was about to go out and perform ON DISPLAY, made the sign of the cross, looked up to Heaven and thanking Jesus! BLEEECKKK!!!!!!
Often times, Hooker Mel does look like a drag queen. I am glad someone thought so too.
I have to eggmit, I can’t wait to see more!!
Damn, this sounds like a good ole ghetto book. I’m loving this. Could be a screenplay for a movie Gregg. Please continue. I cannot wait!!!!!
That was great!! Loved reading that “love story”! Keep up the good work!
GREG, this is a cliff hanger….LOL at Musty Balls……stickey fingers, climbing through windows Oh MY Clutching the pearls and the familhy jewels at the same damn time. Tell me more, tell me more. P.S. Make sure you send Joey Marco a copy….LOL
Yes, Stickey Fingers saw Stumpy coming a mile away.
Hehe, sticky fingers!
nice work!
Lol poor stumpy the day laborer.
Every time I see a picture of Melissa and then look at her sisters, I firmly believe that Melissa does not have the same father as the older 2 hags.
I totally agree. I’ve commented over and over that Melissa must have some black in her somewhere. I don’t think that she has the same mother as her sisters, no way. You look at both of them and her (besides her attempts at using makeup to lighten up her skin) and she still looks more Dominican. Have many of you wondered why we don’t see until the end of this season her “mother”. And when she talked about her parents she only commented about her father and such. Where are the pics of you and your mother doing things melissa.
I don’t care what anybody says, there is something off on her family tree and from some of her comments and non-comments (when she doesn’t answer a question) I think she is hiding a major issue in regard to her and her father.
I read somewhere else that her natural mother was Dominican which would explain any black heritage that she may have. The sisters have the same father but different birth mothers. She does look like the Tia and Tamara twins. She even said that see was told all the time when she was little that she looked like the twins and that people would often ask her if she was black. She didn’t seem to have a problem with people asking her if she was black which leads me to believe that she is aware of her heritage.
I just wanted to add,
She could be puerto rican/Italian. I had a friend who was half pr and half Italian and people always thought she was half black. She looked a lot like Melissa, very curly jet black hair, naturally tan similar nose- you get the picture. Anyway I’ve been watching this ho since day one and I always got a vibe from her that she wasn’t full Italian. Nothing to hide, IMO, but she would be the type to deny any heritage other than Italian.
Also would like to apologize to any puerto ricans or black people offended by possibly sharing a race with such a nitwit. This bitch needs to get real and stop posing
She is totally half black. She had her nose thinned but she’s still got the black nose. Look at pics of her when she was young before the skin lightening, hair straightening, and nose job…it’s very clear that she’s black. I think her mama was fooling around on her sister’s dad and that’s why they got divorced.
they were divorced? oh, that explains all
melissa got her way of life from her mother I’m sure
she’s black no doubt
DOLLAR-TREE MEET DOLLAR-GENERAL=FAMILY- DOLLAR! wanna-be WAL-MARTS.
JOEY G + MELISSA = GORGA’S = KMART-FAILURE
OMG That was awesome! What an idiot to piss off Teresa’s fans. Now we know the truth! We might have gone along thinking she was just a stripper! LOL…
Cant wait to see a picture of musty balls.
This is fantastic. Thanks for posting it madepiley.
My pleasure.
Here’s one for Joe Guidices “eat your money” line
She’s the best @ these!
Great story! Please tell us more! In fact I think you should write a book!
GREG!!!!!! You should get paid..xxxxooo
Love, love, love THIS!!!
Take a bow, FR! I’ll wait here …
EXCELLENT writing! I was riveted from the very first line through the very last. You have a strong, outstanding talent for research and writing — and you are also very sweet to your followers! I love your site and thank you.
This made me chuckle
More!!!!
What a glorious, albeit sick way to start my day..lol. I love every word written. Keep it coming Faxreality. Seems you have a hit on your hands!!
FANTASTIC! You, my friend, are a genius!! Well Done!
oh, and the caption “Big Titties are required for teaching 2nd Grade”…..i nearly fainted from laughter…..haha!
I really enjoyed this love story! Great work, Faux!
Your site is also one of my favorites.
Really LOVING your writing…
Is that first picture Melissa or Joe?
I usually never comet, usually love to enjoy reading but this was amazing @ I had to give you lots of props, you are good ,had me into the story visualizing @ stuff. Great job!! Actually it seems true seeing his face when joeju ask him where did you meet melissa? pricless!
Most of the story is true. The photos of ex boyfriends are real.
Love your website Faux! I think it is awesome what you are doing in exposing the TRUTH! Most of us don’t know these people but we invest our time into watching their show and when it is called a reality show we would like it to be REALITY!
If you change the locations this could be my SIL. The woman my brother brought home 25 years ago, the one he put on the 10ft pedestal and expected his family, and his parents to look up to and we didn’t he was offended and became angry with us. They haven’t been back and my mom passed 4 yrs ago never having met her 7 yr old (at the time) grandson. Right now I don’t know if my brother is dead or alive. Teresa family could very well experience the same thing which I have been conscious of because it actually happened in my family. The one thing I do understand is that you can only change yourself and to mind your own business. We never did anything but love and support each other, we have the best parents and the demonstrated nothing but love and affection for us. I always tell my loved ones I love them over and over again because it may be the last time I get to say it to them, I could die or they could die. I don’t start fights they a waste of time, I don’t get frustrated and attack, I find it better to remove myself from all negative situations. I know I have a temper but I don’t let any one see that side of me ever–it is called self-control.
Loved your novella-too bad it is true though!!
I agree when people get married unless there is violence or abuse family members need to stay out of the marriage. What’s interesting is while the family won’t accept the unworthy spouse because they don’t feel that they are is good enough but sometimes those marriages outlast the so-called proper marriage arrangements.
Damn Tommy the Greek looks ten times better then Joey gorga even with a fuzzy pic in the way!
That’s not Tommy the Greek! That’s Dave C. Still waiting for permission to post Tommy the Greek’s pic
Oh. My. God. I am in awe of all the scandalous info you have mined! This is fast becoming my favorite blog for RHONJ gossip. If you don’t mind my asking, do you live in the area and/or have mutual friends in common with the housewives? It’s just so crazy how in one post you’ve managed to uncover so much detailed dirt from Missy’s past when all the other blogs have only been able to vaguely allude to these past indiscretions… not to mention you’ve also put faces to names! Anyway, whatever you are doing, KEEP DOING IT! My mind (and I’m sure everyone else’s) is totally blown!!
So FREAKIN HYSTERICAL love love love love. Share info with BRAVO TV they dont get it also IN TOUCH mag. They think she is a little darling. SO FUNNY YOU HAD ME AT ROMANCE
Excellent blog! I love this site and check it frequently. Please keep up the good work. These dirty deeds need to see the light of day.
Ain’t nobody been messin around your marriage ( so quit blaming Teresa for that Me Ho) ” no one cares.” I would love, love, love to see someone chase after Me Ho with gossip and REAL TRUTH. Lets see how she stands up against opposition.
If MeHo had white hair she would look like George Washington in a powdered wig.
You are SO right about G. Washinton. I can totally see that. Laughed til I ached.
I’m in love with a…No not a stripper(no pun intended that was a T-Pain song) new website called Fauxreality! I will admit, I laughed until I became confused at Melissa seeing Big tarzan. From the blurs I saw, Tarzan was anything but big, but then you reeled me back and had me laughing hysterically when I saw the Real Tarzan!
Also, I found you on StoopidHousewives,just so you know
StoopidHousewives is by far the best HW site on web!
That’s where I found you& super excited!!
I am just catching up to all your posts after being a long time SHs reader. I have to agree with most commenters about your excellent writing ability. You give me the comic relief I sometimes need to make it through my days! Your efforts are appreciated, Muchas Gracias!